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Saturday, November 20, 2010

All Bets Are Off

Something happened to me in 2009 that altered my concept of reality. Once upon a time, I really wanted to decorate the extra bathroom with framed vintage pictures of Cinderella in her rags and her limited-time-only white dress... Maybe one of the Pumpkin Coach, and maybe one of the mice or something...

I believed in the Prince back then, I mean, didn't we all believe in him? He was on his way.  That's what we were raised to believe.  That's why we... or I at least took sewing lessons in home-ec so seriously.  That's why I let myself believe in love when the obvious truth was that I had blond hair and big boobs and that was why it was so easy for guys to fall for me.

...I learned, the not-so-easy, piece of paper and decade plus, soul-crushing way, that the prince is just a guy who was lucky enough to get a princess to kiss his green scaly ass.  And that's the truth.  

That said, marriage actually means something to me.  I made a promise, and utilizing the words of Canadian Pop Rock band Henley "I'm not perfect, but I keep trying 'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start...." 

So, I cook dinner, I put hot rollers in my hair to create "loose sexy curls," attempt to crush my most intense issues with the occasional valium, and I.... well, I just keep trucking.  I'm not sure where life is leading, I really am not sure, but I do have ONE kid on the high honor roll, (after literally curling up in bed studying Plant Cells/fraction tricks/book plot sequencing... with her until we both fall asleep) so frankly I'm not doing too shabby... 

I've realized this strange thing; I have responsibilities to everyone in this family, but I also have them to myself. Myself... who is she?  Well, she's the chick who wants to finish college and has put it off to accommodate everyone else but herself.... So I start college at an accredited, small, private, university in February.

I want a degree that will help me pay for the degrees of my children. Have you ever filled out paperwork that asks "furthest education attained by mother" "furthest education attained by father" yeah, when my kids fill that out, I want them to put doctorate somewhere.  Just because.  

At the end of the day, if I teach my daughters anything, I hope to God they learn to look within themselves for answers and help and truth, before they go try and find it in some man. Women have got everything they need within them. But there are a number of us who just don't tap into it until after we make life altering choices we will split our souls over later. Not one of us needs a man to tell us we are great. We are great. We can figure out that we are smart and pretty and witty without having it confirmed by some guy. But so many of us don't. I didn't. All but one of the women I know didn't or don't and I am not even so sure of the one.

As of late, I realize that perhaps it is me slipping into the mid-life crisis.  Here is what Wikipedia says about MLC, and I'm going to highlight the portions that actually seem to be choking me into a near comatose but invisible to the rest of the world.... warning signs in red;

"Midlife crisis is a term coined in 1965 by Elliott Jaques and used in Western societies to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" or middle age of life, as a result of sensing the passing of their own youth and the imminence of their old age. Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as extramarital affairs, andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, big-ticket expenditures, or physical appearance."

Just when I started to feel a bit finished, as in the mini-van is nearly paid off and we're secure... my life got so carelessly turned upside down.  So, here I am, redefining the definition of me... burning my scalp with hot rollers and becoming seriously annoyed by liquid eye-liner, all while totally investing in a completely new potential career... which has been a long time coming.

OMG I need to knit something soon...with soft wooden needles... or I'm gonna kill somebody.

Yours, (unless they commit me)