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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

My Take on the Spank

I don't have wooden spoons in my house. I use Pampered Chef spatulas, plastic utensils, or chopsticks...but never a wooden spoon. I had one too many ass whuppings from a wooden spoon in my youth. Seeing one is the equivalent of realizing the school bully has his beady eye leveled at me.

That said, I spanked my kids.  I never decided not to, so I guess I'm a spanker.  At the same time I can count on one hand the times I've spanked my eldest, in fact I can only recall the circumstances of two of those times.
  1. When she was about three and a half and ran toward the road which was a state highway and at the end of our driveway. She knew better, I was terrified, "what" spank "were" spank "you" spank "thinking" spank.
  2. She had her teeth clamped on her brother's shoulder and it appeared she was breaking his skin. "Let go" no response, "LET GO" no response, spank-spank-spank. She let go and said "YOU SPANKED ME!"  

She never ran for the road or bit her brother again, so the spankie shock (an over-the-clothes not bare a#$ spank) taught her a lesson. 

My other spanky stories include a second story open window and a 5 year old boy throwing my jewelry box out onto a concrete patio.  "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING" spank spank "YOU COULD HAVE FALLEN OUT THE WINDOW" spank spank "AND BROKEN YOUR HEAD" spank.  My son has taken a few more spankings than my daughters. He has also narrowly escaped death on more than one occasion, like the time he rolled a bowling ball down the stairs and tried to race it.

In any case, all spanks were followed by "I love you and don't want you to get hurt or hurt someone else."  A spank is worst case scenario stuff in my mind.  Frankly, as they get older, losing toys or finding games they've "worked their way up on" deleted from the PS3 has been worse punishment than the hardest whack on the barest rear end could ever be.  

A favorite torture tool of mine; how quickly unflattering photos of you can be posted to Facebook, and every aunt, uncle, grandparent and far flung friend of mine from high school can leave comments like "Oh how cute! I remember being that awkward when I was in middle school" or "don't worry he/she will grow out of that."  Even worse? I am the keeper of the passwords. If I tag them in a photo there's nothing they can do to untag themselves...until I say so.

The last thing my kids want to hear is, "go ahead, do that (thing you've been repeatedly warned not to do). I'll get you in the end."
I know there are people out there whose spanks leave bruises. When I talk about spanking, I'm not referring to that type of a "beating." I'm talking about a spankie. A spankie smarts. It isn't pleasant, but it doesn't dislocate your coccyx.

Though I spanked my kiddos, It is my opinion a spank is for special occasions, as in your kid just hit the dog with a stick and after you take a privilege away, and the little tyke says "I didn't hurt im' anyways, hittin' don't hurt." 

My sister is a spanker.  I don't say "like me" because her and I do it quite differently, and I don't think she really "gets" my take on spankietry; the study of spanking.  My sister spanks over every little slight, and misbehavior. The eye rolling around the Thanksgiving table as the little tykes laugh off her swats is pretty predictable.  I think my nephews have bums of steel. They might occasionally creep out a few tears (more from frustration or embarrassment than anything else in my humble opinion) but they don't seem overly concerned about a spanking.  This hasn't been missed by their cousins, as my kids have actually said to me, "they do stuff and ALL they get is a spanking."  Yeah, so I guess that's confirmation the handful of spankies I've delivered to their sweet little bums didn't do any long lasting psychic damage.

As a parent who has raised kids to the ages of 12, 14 & 16, I think as long as you stay calm, and make a conscious and considered choice to spank a hind end, you'll know you're doing it for all the right reasons.  The time to spank is when no amount of reasonable explanation is going to teach them what a little pain in the butt could. 

As for my little angels...so far so good!  Spankings have made their way to "remember when" status. "Remember when you kept tying the jump rope around my neck, because you were the dog whisperer and I was the dog, and mom finally spanked you? Ha ha ha, we were such dumb kids."

Good times.

Best wishes,

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