Popular Posts

Sunday, February 6, 2011

OH God What Am I Thinking? The Flys Goes Back to School

I return to college full time TOMORROW. I'm freaking out for a variety of reasons;

  1. Other than my professional work wardrobe, I own two pairs of jeans. One with a prominent rip by the ass pocket which is a humungo problemo because the dogs keep eating my underwear and lord knows nobody wants a peep hole onto my pale ass should one holey layer of fabric overlay another. 
  2. I went to the Office Supply Store and froze when I realized I have NO idea how to organize my schoolwork. 
  3. My intelligence has dropped by probably 20 points since I had kids and my weight has gone up 20 (or 30) pounds.
  4. At 34 I'll be the oldest person in the world there. Maybe even older than the Professors. It's a likely bet I will be the only one with gray hair and a battle worn Dodge Caravan in any of my classes.
  5. My hubs seems to think I'm going for a dental appointment, not preparing to attend full time college for the next billion years.
  6. The last time I spent a week away from home during the daytime, (doing alternate jury duty for a baby's death no less) my Brody Dog ate my sofa's face off. What on Earth will he do while I'm in Bio lab?
  7. The last two semesters I went to college, I had a major car wreck while expecting baby #3, and a house fire which left me with one, yes ONE pair of underwear (clean unchewed underwear are a must have of mine). This means the Rule Of Threes owes me One.
  8. I'm scared of screwing up.

Settling down young knocked the wind out of my sails for 13 years. I mean, I totally loved the lagoon I found myself in. I got great joy out of digging through poop looking for a missing penny that may or may not have been swallowed. I learned how to use the process of elimination to discover how best to remove Silly String from walls without damaging too much paint.  

When they were little, and I was knee deep in diapers, I told myself I would go back to school when they were older, and life was a little less challenging.  Well, my kids are growing up, about to hit the 12, 14, and 16 marks and now I understand...just cuz they're bigger doesn't mean the challenges get easier, it just means they can tie their shoes WHILE they present challenges.

My life and accomplishments for 13 years have been colored by the approval of my children; "mom, this dinner is pretty ok, can we have pizza Friday?" or "Hey, great you remembered to buy shampoo!"  And while I'm incredibly accomplished at ordering pizza and the dirty dog reek of a 13 year old boy's sweaty head from two rooms away because he refused to use his sister's "sweet pea" scented shampoo... has endowed me with super-memory-shopping powers worthy of praise...I'm thinking that COLLEGE may be somewhat more of a challenge than child-rearing ever was.

I had to go to Campus today, on Super Bowl Sunday.  As I parked my mother-ship (AKA my mini-van) and walked around, I felt like a total weirdo.  Like I'm invading a summer camp my kids don't go to. The students look so young...even some of the prof's look young. When did I get so old?

Surreal happenings of the day; I spent $160 on a paperback text book. I kept thinking people in the lines were talking to me, but they were talking over their phones directly into my ears.  The Registrar sent me to the school nurse who made me fill out a form listing all of my family members, she asked "do you have a physical form and vaccination record?" and I said, "for who, for all of them?"  She tilted her head like I had said something strange, and that's when I realized she didn't want my kid's records...she wanted mine. Duh. 

When I got home at 6pm I tripped over shoes by the door, was informed our natural gas tank is inexplicably empty and I've been asked what's for dinner no less than 3 times.  My husband just told me he loves our daughter's very much but if they don't stop interrupting the Super Bowl he's going to wring their beautiful little necks. 

I'm hiding in here blogging and trying to remind myself that whatever doesn't make you criminally insane keeps you out of jail. Though I hear in prison they give you "three hots and a cot" and right at this moment, that sounds quite ideal. 

My prayer for the next few years "Dear Lord, please help me stay strong and get through school so I can afford to hire a housekeeper, and send my husband TO the Super Bowl so he doesn't strangle our daughters...one magical day in my not so far off future!"

Best wishes,


  1. When I did my teacher training, the coolest, funnest, most awesome two people I met and hung out with that whole year were a 40-something dad who'd sprung back from cancer and decided to go for it and get his teaching degree, and a woman in her mid-50's who'd raised her kids and wanted to do something for herself. You're way younger than they were. And you have the advantage of being one of the few people there who is not trying re-invent herself because high school was so lame, and only happened last year. You know who you are. You know what you're doing. Get yourself some hot new boots and march proudly across that campus, secure in the knowledge that you totally belong there!
    Good luck, and keep us posted!

  2. Working in education I can tell you that #3 is SO not a problem. Even factoring in the IQ drop due to the kid ploppage you are STILL WAY ahead of 90% of your class. Just wait and see.

    You will seriously be sitting in class picking your jaw off the floor thinking "Did he seriously just say that outloud?" and "Do they realize they are actually PAYING for this class?"

    No doubt you'll fall into the grove and do smashingly well!!

  3. ....Well, at 4:15 after my first day of classes I received an email stating they have revised my financial aid. If they did what it looks like they did, then guess what...I can't afford to continue. So, we'll see.

    Daffy, I had that moment today totally. The "Wellness" prof said "I would never tell anyone not to experience recreational drugs, because I would be a hypocrite and I learned a lot from experiencing them.

    After which she said she was from a small town, religious and grew up in a two parent household and did drugs in college. I was thinking... "Hmmmm, the gaggle of kids from NYC who have made it this far, and whom I overheard discussing their scholarships, I think their idea of 'experimenting' would be very different from yours and suggesting they (or any student) use the recreational drugs in their neighborhood is probably a bad plan all around." I about died.

  4. Rebecca: you are amazing, and I think you are being an awesome role model to your kids. I went to both Berkeley and Mills, where there was a great network of "re-entry" students--all of whom KICKED ASS in school (they kicked mine), because they were so much more motivated than everyone else! 34 is not late--and of course it is NEVER too late to broaden your horizons and better your life. Kudos to you.

  5. So I'm wondering...do you have all of you vaccinations? LMAO.